I have found myself having the conversation about if I am limiting myself purposefully, or truly cannot do certain things. The conclusion that I have come to is that I am letting my excuses become my limitations. When it feels like I can’t push myself any further, I then just tell myself it is okay because of x,y, or z. According to google, the definition of an excuse is a reason to lessen the blame, and to attempt to assuage one’s guilt. And damn do I feel called out by that simple definition.
I don’t remember a time in my life where I thought so much about excuses. Over the last few years it seems like my limits of what I can or can’t do have become smaller and smaller as my anxiety has grown larger. I see other people in my life seemingly have no limits. Friends that can travel anywhere, have no problems driving, and are enjoying their lives. Cousins and family members progressing in their lives, building careers and starting families of their own. I don’t feel jealous, I genuinely am happy for everyone in my life. It just leads me to stare in the face of my own inadequacy and fear.
I just finished reading David Goggins’ book “You Can’t Hurt Me”, and it was a slap to the face. My life is nothing like his, and never will be. I have no desire to become an ultra marathoner, to break world records in pull ups, or to be part of the military. What it did do was make me realize just the sheer amount of excuses I have in my everyday life. He had every excuse to quit multiple times, and he didn’t, and that is what fueled him. I can’t say the same about myself.
Looking into the mirror, at the body I don’t like after months of not exercising, and tell myself excuses. I hear the reasons I give other people on why I can’t do something and another part of me cringes in shame. If an excuse is meant to help with guilt, I have somehow found myself on the opposite end of the spectrum where every excuse I give just makes me feel even heavier with it.
For me the difficult part has been understanding what is an excuse, what is a fear I have to get over, and when is it just my anxiety talking. Most of the time, it’s all three. For the last three years I have let my anxiety dictate my life. I’ve caved to it’s every demand, and told myself that I can’t. I can’t go to the gym because I get anxious, I can’t drive because I get anxious, I reach for the second helping of dessert to feel rewarded for 10 seconds, I cancel plans with friends because I hate the way I look, I stay confined to my own bubble because I’m afraid of anything different. My excuses quickly became limits on what I can and can’t do.
As life went on and I became full of more reasons why I can’t than reasons why I can, and an almost PTSD like feeling for the side effects of different medications, anything that put me outside my comfort zone and invoked feelings of unease became an immediate limit. I told myself, and still unconsciously tell myself, I can’t do this (whatever the “this” might be). Instead of attempting to move past fears, I let them set my limits. I have become so dependent on the feeling of comfortability.
I can no longer afford to stay in my life of comfortable nothingness. It’s become stifling, I’ve become stagnant, and I am sick and tired of letting traumatic experiences of panic and fear from medication side effects and life circumstances dictate how I live my life. Here is the point I am at though; I am aware of all of these things and still let myself be limited. I continue to make excuses for myself and my behavior. I am still scared, and stuck in freeze mode where I’m aware of what I should be doing but seemingly unable to take the steps forward.
I’ve decided that for now, I have to make the decisions where I can, even if they are simple. Reaching for a cup of tea at night instead of a handful of popcorn, driving to the store instead of letting someone else go. Sticking to the small promises that I make to myself, proving to my mind little by little that I can trust myself. At the end of it all, I think it simply comes down to that one simple feeling- trust. Do I trust myself enough to move past this self imposed limitation? Am I able to trust myself enough to take small steps outside my boundaries?
While I would like to automatically just say yes, I know that would be a lie. I don’t trust myself, I don’t have unwavering faith in making the right decisions when so many times up until now I’ve made the wrong call and ended up even more limited. So while I may not be able to trust in myself, I can trust in God, the Universe, the Divine, whatever you want to call it. I can trust in the people around me who have picked me up every time I have fallen, and have called out every excuse I’ve made. I can trust my family to metaphorically hold my hand while I eliminate my limits, my excuses. And maybe, after I quit making so many excuses, I will be able to trust myself again.
