As I sit here with a new planner, I can’t help but think of how many times I have found myself in this position. Thinking that this time was going to be the time that I actually make a change, that this time my habits are going to stick and I am going to achieve my goals. That this won’t be another planner, another notebook, another app that I use for a week then collects dust on the shelf.
I’ve learned about myself over the course of the last handful of years that I am terrible with following through with ideas. As I fall asleep at night I think of how I can make my life different, how if I wake up and suddenly have discipline and motivation I can do x, y, or z and it would drastically improve my life. The truth is I wait for the motivation to come to me, and it usually only happens late at night or while I’m at work. Both places where it is impossible to actually follow through on any of the ideas that I have. I know I don’t actually have to follow through at that exact moment, so the idea and motivation gives me the dopamine hit while I don’t have to actually do anything.
This time, I feel different. I feel desperate if I’m being quite honest. I’m no longer a college student where the prospect of the future is far off and unreal, I’m no longer in my early to mid twenties partying and only thinking of how the next week or month is going to go. I hesitate to use the word hate, but I greatly dislike how I act and how my life is at the moment.
To be vulnerable, I don’t do much of anything and I’ve let my anxiety and fear run my life for over 3 years now. In that time span I made tremendous progress and felt like I was finally getting back in stride, but as of the last year or so I have fallen worse than ever into the trap of fear. I feel traumatized by my reaction to Lexapro withdrawal, like it has imprinted itself so deeply on my psyche that everything is filtered through the lens of fear and worry.
I can’t live this way forever. I can’t sit here on a saturday afternoon crying to my dog about how unhappy I am while simultaneously doing nothing to change my circumstances. I’ve let myself be the victim in my own pity party, played an active role in how my life has gone over the last year, and haven’t successfully changed a single habit. I have high hopes and high intentions, but it’s just me grasping at straws in a desperate attempt to assert damage control over how sad my life has become.
I’ve somehow conditioned myself to stop trying, to retreat, whenever fear and anxiety comes into play. Over the last six months I can’ tell you how many times I’ve gone to the gym, got anxious so it took me another week to build up the energy and courage to try again. Or I drive somewhere that triggers my anxiety, and it takes me a few days to be able to drive anywhere again. It’s a constant cycle of trying and retreating and letting the fear of feeling scared and uncomfortable win, until I can build up enough courage to try again.
Now, I may be a bit dramatic. I have a stable job that I do well at, I have a family and friends that I am close with and love, and all of my basic needs are met. The problem is I want more. I want to wake up in the morning with energy and feel a sense of vitality. I want to move my body, and feel confident in how I look. I want to make choices based on what it is I want to do, not what fear and anxiety are telling me to do. I have refused to settle or accept that my life has to be anything less than that. I refuse to believe that the oppressing blanket of fear is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I believe change is possible.
I also try to remember that while I haven’t made the progress I wanted, I’ve made progress. A year ago today I couldn’t be alone, I had to take a week off of work, and I couldn’t drive anywhere. I was stuck in my head, stuck in the trap of intrusive thoughts brought on by the medications supposed to help me. I talked to probably half a dozen doctors last fall each agreeing that my symptoms seem to be due to medications. The only way to move forward from that and get it out of my system was time and patience. In my mind I have done that though, I have waited and waited for changes to come. I think it’s now time I stop waiting for a miraculous healing and instead put more effort into working towards that myself.
How do I make that change within myself though? How do I make different decisions and habits last, and not just last for a moment? When my anxiety takes over, when I’m tired, when I’m stressed, how do I continue to make the right choices to achieve the life that I want?
I think that is why I am always getting a new planner, a new notebook or a new idea to try. Maybe this different way of viewing my life or my goals will finally be the way that clicks. I know it’s most likely not the case, and that I am just jumping to different trends and modalities. But I also don’t want to give up either. I don’t want to stop, otherwise I think I will feel like I’ve settled.
So for now, I am going to start filling out my new planner. I am going to set my goals, make my new checklists, and try to imagine myself succeeding instead of failing.
Not trying is the surest way to never make it to where I want to go, so even if this isn’t the planner that helps me to change, maybe it takes another 3 months, but giving up and not trying isn’t an option either.
