I wanted to start this series as a means of getting my story out there. I have been hard pressed to find stories similar to my own, and if I do then there usually is not enough background information (at least to satisfy my own curiosity). This is just part one in a multiple part series. I still don’t have the conclusion, and I still have more answers than questions, but I find it important to have honest stories and opinions for others to find.
I’ve been on antidepressants for the majority of the last 15 or so years. I first was prescribed them when I was 12-13 years old, going through my first experience of panic and anxiety attacks. As far back as I can remember I was an anxious child, rebranded as just being shy. I was the kid at the sleepover that had to have their parents come pick them up in the middle of the night, I didn’t like going anywhere new where I didn’t know anyone, and if I was glued to my parents side whenever we went somewhere. I still don’t know why I was like that, I have no traumatic memories from childhood that would spark some sort of abandonment wound.
In intermediate school (what my district called 4th-6th grade) I felt like I hit my stride and developed some confidence. I had a group of friends, and one best friend who I spent every day with. I wasn’t as afraid anymore, and it felt really good. That changed once I got to middle school. It was new, it was extremely different from what I was accustomed to, and I did not like it. By thanksgiving that year I had my first panic attack, and from that point on I was not going back to that school. My parents took me to different therapists and psychiatrists, none of them making much of a difference other than making me feel even worse. I was put on lexapro in the hopes that it would help. I’m not sure if the lexapro helped, or I naturally just got over the anxiety more and more as time went on. I harbor no blame for my parents either, this was totally out of their wheelhouse and all they wanted was for me to feel better.
I made it through the rest of middle school, doing cyber school and then completing 8th grade at a small catholic school. I felt good, I felt confident, and I thought anxiety was a thing of the past. This continued throughout highschool, where I went through a fairly rebellious phase of partying and boys to numb all of my internal turmoil. While I didn’t suffer much anxiety throughout high school, and was fairly confident, I neglected to take care of myself. I partied the way most people do when they finally get to college, and both my parents had health crises of their own and were too exhausted to constantly monitor where I was and what I was doing. They tried, but this was the era when smartphones were still new, my friends would pick me up, and they would be none the wiser. I still don’t remember exactly when, but somewhere between my junior and senior year of high school I just stopped taking the lexapro. I didn’t think I needed it, and honestly had little to no anxiety at all. I didn’t have any major side effects, and life went on as normal.
Eventually when I turned 18 I felt like I had the freedom that I had been craving for years. Since the early years of highschool I realized running from my problems and emotions was how I didn’t have to deal with them. I did not realize how much of an issue this would be for me later down the line. I went off to college on the other side of the state, excited to be on my own and physically run away from the problems I had been emotionally running away from at home. I had become hyper independent through high school, and I was confident I would be able to handle anything that life threw at me.
About halfway through my freshman year of college I went on the depo provera birth control shot. I didn’t think much of it, I was happy to not have my period and not worry about taking a pill every single day. It blew up in my face, and I ended up having extreme side effects. By my sophomore year, I was experiencing anxiety again due to birth control, and it was starting to take over my life. The only reason I made the connection back to birth control was because my mom was being medically forced into menopause due to her breast cancer a few years prior, and we had the same symptoms. I eventually went back on lexapro, not thinking much of it other than I needed help, and it had helped me in the past. No doctor gave me any sort of warning, or listed any side effects I might experience.
I got off the depo shot once I got back on lexapro, and made the decision to get the copper IUD. I thought this was a good solution since my doctors and everything online told me it was hormone free. That the side effects from the previous form of birth control wouldn’t appear. It was excruciating to get put in, but I thought it was worth it if it meant that I would be protected and have no side effects. For the next couple of years things went normally. I continued in college, had my own apartments, and worked in a restaurant and other various jobs. I continued drinking far more than I should, but it was normalized and not out of place.
I graduated college, and in January of 2022 I felt confident that I didn’t want to be on lexapro anymore. I had gotten more into holistic health, and also did not feel that I needed to be on any sort of medications anymore. My boyfriend and I had long talks about it, and he was in agreement with me and would support me in any way he could. I knew it wouldn’t necessarily be easy, but I honestly wasn’t too concerned by it. I thought I would be sick for a few days, be emotional for a few weeks, and that would be it. I was wrong, and the decision to come off the lexapro cold turkey will always be something I regret.
This is where part one will end, and part two will pick up. It’s a lot of information, and when I first started this journey I wished I had a story like this to read. I am in no way trying to give medical advice or influence people to stop taking medications they are currently on. I just want more truth around the drugs we put in our body.
