For the majority of my life my self worth was tied to my appearance. I had no concept of being worthy or not outside of what I looked like- mainly how much I weighed. It is very cliche, and I am sure the majority of women have this same realization at some point in their life. Personally, it took me weighing my heaviest, looking and feeling my worst, to even begin to have a strong instinctual feeling that how I look does have an impact on how I feel. At the same time the worth I do or don’t place on myself does not have to be solely tied to my appearance.
I would be lying if I said how I look plays no role in how I feel. I think most people can agree with that. The common media and entertainment we consume has been pushing and pushing that beauty is there at every size, every size is beautiful, and it does not matter if you have a little extra weight or don’t take pride in your appearance. It’s never sat right with me, the concept that not looking my best doesn’t matter. Because for me, I’m realizing how much my outside appearance ties in to how I feel on the inside.
Coming back to the concept of self worth though, it has been very hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that my worth is tied to my appearance but only because it reflects how I feel on the inside. For the majority of my life how I looked on the outside, and therefore the attention received, was the only measure I would use to determine if I was worthy of the love I wanted. I was conventionally attractive growing up and going into college.I did not have to put a ton of effort into my appearance to get the desired result, and I did not have to think much further about my worth.
The last few years I’ve gained weight, and seemingly lost almost all confidence I once had in myself. It has forced me for the first time in my life to explore the role external validation played in my life, in my self worth, and my confidence. How I no longer dress in what I think is cute or stylish, but will dress in what will minimize my weight. That I spend more time when I am out worrying that someone is going to think I am fat than I do being present with the people around me. It frustrates me to no end that I am seemingly aware of this, but it has become instinctual to continue to let these thoughts take over.
I want to figure out a way to make myself believe that I am inherently worthy, and I have come to the conclusion that it actually does have a lot to do with my external appearance. Not in the way I have done previously, but instead coming from a place of trust and love for myself. To start taking care of myself in better ways that help me build confidence in myself. Going to the gym to strength train a couple of days a week to show myself I am strong, going for a walk everyday as a way to relax and be in nature, choosing to get ready for work instead of not caring how I look since I work from home. Simple ideas, nothing revolutionary, but reframed in a way that takes all of the worth out of external validation and puts it directly into the actions I do to take care of myself.
I believe that once I start to take the actions that nourish my body and mind, my physical appearance will change to reflect that. It is difficult for me to not look in the mirror and immediately think ‘fat’ or ‘lazy’ instead of ‘tired’ and ‘struggling’. Somehow marrying the two is what might be the most easily digestible, that maybe I am fat and lazy, but because I am tired and struggling. Maybe if I am able to simply be completely honest with myself instead of just piling on the negative, an actual change in my confidence and appearance might take place. Transformation starts within the mind, no matter how many physical changes I try to make.
